“…it’s just that we shouldn’t operate on the assumption that a diagnosis provides a great deal of useful information. A kid shouldn’t need a diagnosis to access the help his caregivers already know he needs.” – Ross Greene, Lost at School
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This quote has been on my mind a lot recently. It raises an important question: is a diagnosis always necessary, or is it more important to focus on the support strategies we already know our children need? There’s no one-size-fits-all answer. Sometimes, a small adjustment—like a fidget toy or a change in routine—can make all the difference. Other times, even with our best efforts, we need the clarity a diagnosis can provide to access the right tools and support.
As many of you know, discovering Positive Discipline (Jane Nelsen) transformed my parenting, my career, and my worldview. Positive Discipline centres on family meetings, collaborative problem-solving, and the core belief that children do better when they feel better. This approach reshaped the way we handled big emotions and conflicts in our home. Instead of reacting immediately, we’d pause, let everyone (adults included!) regulate, and then return to the problem with clearer minds. For a long time, this approach—along with other Positive Discipline tools—was enough.
But when certain challenges persisted, I went looking for more. That’s when I found Ross Greene’s work, and it shifted everything again.
Kids Do Well If They Can: A New Perspective on Challenging Behaviour
Greene’s core idea is simple yet profound: Kids do well if they can.
This perspective invites us to consider that when children struggle with behaviour, it’s not because they won’t do better, but because they can’t—at least, not yet. Instead of focusing on managing or eliminating difficult behaviours, we begin to see them as signals of unmet needs or lagging skills.
This small shift in thinking makes a huge difference. Instead of asking, “How do I get my child to stop this behaviour?”, we ask, “What skills does my child need to develop so they can handle this situation differently?”
That’s exactly what Ross Greene’s Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) model helps us do.
The Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) Model: A Step-by-Step Guide
Once we’ve made this mindset shift—what Greene calls “changing our lenses”—the next step is to identify the specific unsolved problems and missing skills. He provides a useful worksheet to help with this, which you can find here.
Once you have a clear picture, you’re ready to start problem-solving. The CPS model follows a simple, three-step process:
1. Gather Information: Listen to Your Child’s Concerns
Instead of jumping straight to solutions, take time to fully understand what’s hard about the situation from your child’s perspective. Ask open-ended questions, and don’t rush.
Children may start with surface-level answers (“I just don’t like it”), or they might say “I don’t know.” That’s okay. Keep the conversation open with gentle curiosity: “What else is tricky about this?” “Tell me more about what’s going on.” Keep a list of every concern your child raises—no matter how small.
2. Share Your Own Concerns
Once your child has shared, it’s your turn. Be clear and specific about why the problem matters to you. Instead of saying, “You can’t do that,” try, “I’m worried that…” This keeps the conversation collaborative rather than confrontational.
3. Brainstorm Solutions Together
The final step is to come up with a solution that works for both of you. You might say, “I wonder if there’s a way we can solve this problem together.” Encourage your child to suggest ideas, and make sure the final solution is realistic for everyone involved.
Once you have a plan, try it out. If it doesn’t work, don’t see it as failure—just return to the three-step process and adjust.
Why This Approach Builds Lasting Skills
Unlike quick-fix discipline strategies that focus on stopping behaviour in the moment, the CPS model helps children build essential life skills: ✔️ Emotional regulation ✔️ Problem-solving ✔️ Flexibility and frustration tolerance ✔️ Communication and self-advocacy
In the end, whether we pursue a diagnosis or rely on the strategies we already have, what truly matters is that we’re fostering understanding and growth. Greene’s CPS model offers a compassionate, skill-building approach that respects children as individuals while empowering them with the tools they need to succeed.
Ready for More Support?
Parenting challenging behaviours can feel overwhelming, but you don’t have to navigate it alone. If you’d like personalised guidance on applying these strategies in your home, I’d love to help. Book a coaching session with me here or subscribe to my newsletter for more insights, tools, and support on your parenting journey.
Because when we meet our children where they are, with the belief that kids do well if they can, we empower them not just to overcome challenges—but to thrive.
(NB: Article inspired by one I originally wrote for the EKIPP Newsletter, November 2024)
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